wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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