your parents love me but you hate me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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