Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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