I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
