I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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