I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize