Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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