He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
