drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
