i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
