I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
