The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
