Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
