i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
