i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
