i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
