Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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