So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
