In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
