she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
