so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize