so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
