are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
