i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
