Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
