I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
