is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
