I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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