I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
