When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I AM VODKA MAN
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
