either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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