Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
