She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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