Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
