I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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