Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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