On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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