Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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