That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize