I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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