John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize