I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
