You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
