New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize