I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Green mimosas i think yes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
