You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
