Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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