Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
BRING THE BAGELS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
