Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
