Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
