dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
