My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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