he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
