Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
