I wish I could punch you in the face.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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