you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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