Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
