I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
