You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
