Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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