On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im just a social blackout drinker.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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