i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize