Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize