literally had 100 drinks last night.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
