We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
