tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
MIDGETS
????
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
