I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
