Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
