maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
