I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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