Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
