you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
