Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
