Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
